Even as I try to focus on the positives in my life, I would be remiss not to acknowledge the heaviness that sometimes weighs on my mind and heart. Lately, one thought has been particularly difficult to shake: the idea of “ranking”—wondering about my place in the lives of those around me. There are times when I ask myself if I am anyone’s “number one,” whether as a very important person, a ride-or-die, or simply someone who matters deeply in their world. These feelings can arise in any context—at work, in school, within relationships, among friends, or in my family.
I recognize that my perspective is shaped by being single with no children. Perhaps this gives me the freedom to show up for others more readily than those with different responsibilities. Still, the feeling of not ranking highly in anyone’s life has lingered since childhood. I have often felt like I was not a priority, not even for my parents, and these memories continue to echo in my interactions with others. There is love in my relationships, but it sometimes feels limited, and I am constantly reminded of where I stand.
I am aware that thinking this way might seem selfish, especially since I have the ability to be present for people in ways others cannot. Yet, these emotions persist and, at times, are painful. I put on a smile to hide the pain, but the sadness finds its way out when I am alone at night. Ultimately, what makes this so difficult is my deep craving for companionship. I imagine that if I had a partner or someone special in my life, I might not be so preoccupied with my position among friends and family. But for now, these feelings of loneliness and longing for connection remain part of my journey.
Words: me. Visuals & polish: my robot intern
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